As I sit here and reflect back on the past few months, or even the last couple of years, I can’t help but smile. Why you say? I have been through so much, I know. But it is because I am happy with where I am today. I have overcome so much and I am so, so proud of myself. I have struggled with my mental health for so long, and I have honestly never realized just HOW BAD it actually was.
And that brings me to saying sorry to you all, again. I know that I have been absent from sharing my writing with you all, once again. The past couple of months I have been trying to work on myself. While I am very open about my struggles with my mental health, I felt that I needed to take some time to myself to really get to where I needed to be.
Most of you have been following along with me since I first started writing on here a year ago. So, most of you know that I have truly struggled over the past couple of years. At my lowest is when I finally got help. I was going to counseling, and I was also put on antidepressants. After that, I really felt like I was doing great. But of course, unfortunately sometimes, with antidepressants, they slowly stop working. And of course I was faced with that exact problem. I began to feel bad mentally and physically. I was back to feeling like I was drowning. Like nothing was ever going to be okay. Nothing was ever going to get better. And although I knew deep down that isn’t actually true, it was so hard to really convince myself.
I went back to my doctor for a reevaluation a couple of months ago. A little change to my antidepressants, and an added medication has completely changed my life. It is hard to sit here and write this without getting a little emotional. I feel as though I have lost so much of my life because of past trauma and mental illness. It really sucks to think that I have been robbed of my happiness for so long. Literally YEARS. But although it does hurt to come to that realization, I am so incredibly thankful that I finally feel like I am on the right track to happiness.
I can honestly say that I have not felt this good in a long, long time. I can’t even think back to a time that I did feel this good. Losing years of your life to depression doesn’t just happen overnight. It is a situation where you slowly get tangled up in this downhill slope of misery. And as the days, months, and years go by, it just continues. It gets worse, and worse, and before you know it, you don’t even know who you are anymore. But it is your “normal.” It gradually becomes something that you live with you don’t know any different. You never realize how low you really are until something finally breaks that cycle.
And I am happy to say that I have finally broke that cycle. I have been feeling so much better mentally and physically. I have a whole different outlook on everything these days. Little things that would push me over the edge are literally nothing to me now. Things that I have always found joy in, never really made me “happy” and I never knew that until now. When I really reflect back on as far back as I can remember, I realize that I really did lose myself. I finally feel like I have found ME. And with that, everything has become so much easier. Day to day activities, things around the house, my relationship with my husband, caring for my children. Things have been better than they have ever been. Life seems…easy. I keep asking myself “Is this what normal people feel like every day?” I have been missing out! Like, people actually wake up and feel like this naturally every day? That is crazy!
I feel like I have also been taking better care of myself physically. As a mom of two kids under the age of five, on top of struggling with depression, it isn’t always easy to put yourself first. It also isn’t easy to feel good about yourself. But I have been taking time to get in the shower and actually RELAX. I loveeee hot showers. I have been painting my nails again. Taking care of my skin. I even picked out a different belly button ring to wear for the first time in YEARS. I know that sounds silly, but it is that little things that I have overlooked that make me happy. And you know what, I can honestly say that I feel so much better about myself. I feel attractive again. I don’t feel so insecure.
I also unfortunately struggle with anxiety. So that means that when I don’t feel so miserable from depression that I want to hide under my covers, I feel so anxious that I have to run around and get things done. This has improved immensely. I have been able to slow down and worry a lot less. I enjoy waking up and making a cup of coffee. First thing. I have got to have my coffee. But usually I wake up, make my coffee, and then I drink it while I clean and whatever else needs to be done. Then, by the time I am done, I still have coffee, and it is cold. I have been making it a point to sit down and relax with my coffee before I even think about doing anything else. I have been having fires, looking at the starts. Just little things that I love. And now that it is nice out again, I have been sitting outside in the sun. I used to love being in the sun every single day. But I can’t tell you the last time that I enjoyed doing so, until now.
I have also been eating a little more, too. I didn’t really realize that I never really had much of an appetite until recently. For a long, long time now, I have been letting go of the things that make me happy. I always felt like I either never had time, or I literally didn’t find joy in it anymore. But lately I have been making time.
I am worrying less about time, and more about happiness. I stopped rushing around the house to get things done, just so that I could go straight to bed. I have been spending so much more time with my family. My relationship with my husband has become so strong, and I feel like I have a strong bond with my kids again. I am always going and going, and I never really took the time to slow down and appreciate things. But I realize that it is important to cherish the time you have left on this earth, and the people that are in it.
Here is a little story for you. Last night I went to bed late. I was the last person in the house to go to bed, and I couldn’t even lay down because my youngest fell asleep in my spot watching TV. Normally, I would just scoop him up and put him in his bed. But I didn’t. I sat there and watched him sleep for a moment. I rubbed his head and played with his hair. I covered him up and laid there with him for a bit. As I looked at him, all I could think was “Wow, I created this sweet kid. I did this. Life is truly amazing.” He isn’t going to be this little forever and I knew that I needed to take a minute to soak it all in, even if I was extremely exhausted. And it was so worth it. Most of you are probably thinking, “That doesn’t really seem like much of anything to brag about.” But oh, it really is. It was such a simple thing to do and it made me so incredibly happy.
I will continue to work on myself.
I can only do better and feel better from here. I will continue to cherish everything in my life. Even the little things. I can’t change what I have lost so far, but I am young. I still have so much living to do. And you better believe that I will make that happen. Just because I lost years to depression, doesn’t mean that I have lost my entire life. You WILL see me do great things.