I must say, I have never been the type of person to just go for things. I have always been very shy, quiet, and reserved. I feel more comfortable blending in with everything in the background than I do being the face of things. It has never really been my thing to be in the light. To break out of my comfort zone. I have also always been that person that has been mediocre at best at everything that I do.
There have been so many instances in my life where I have wanted something so badly, but I never stepped up to grab it. My own anxiety literally controls my life. It keeps me from opening up. Pushing myself. Even literally the most simple things. It sounds SO silly, but let me tell you, it is HARD. I have always had to push myself to do those simple things. Even just learning how to drive was the end of the world for me. I mean, I am sure it is a little scary for everyone at first. But I can honestly tell you if I didn’t want to have my own freedom and be more independent, I probably wouldn’t have ever learned how to drive.
I have never been that kid that had a bunch of friends growing up either. While I completely understand that I am a very unusual and awkward person, I truly feel that I have always held myself back too much. I never really open up to people. Between living in New York and Tennessee, I can count my good friends on one hand. And that may the be case for a lot of people. But I don’t have many more contacts than that. The town that I lived in as a child was small. The town that I currently live in is also small. Everybody knows everybody. But I continue to keep to myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I like being a hermit crab and keeping to myself. It is nice and quiet without any drama. But, again, I could have so much more I would just put myself out there. But I won’t. It just isn’t who I am.
Every single time that I have ever wanted to do something, anxiety would immediately kick in. It would talk me out of everything. If it was something that I truly felt that I wanted to do, I would have to take pretty much an entire week, sometimes weeks just to get myself psyched up enough to do it. I literally have to have pep talks with myself. Anyone else with anxiety knows. I know they do. I am sure you are sitting here reading this like “Yup, same girl, same. I do the saaaaame thing.”
I continue to sit back and look at how much of my life my anxiety has controlled. It is something that I have always lived with, so it makes sense to see where it has brought me in life. But, I question where I could be if I was able to just push it aside. I have all of these dreams that I have never acted on. Simply because I am my own worst enemy. I remember wanting to go to school for Psychology. I was dead set on becoming a psychologist since I was in the eighth grade. But once I got to college, my mind told me I couldn’t do it. I dropped out of my first year of college after a couple of months. It took me a couple of years to decide to go back. And I never went back to school for psychology. I decided to go for business. Now, I did finish college, and I do like what I ended up going to school for, but it isn’t really what I am passionate about.
I have been dreaming about opening a local bar for several years now. I started coming up with names, started planning out what I wanted it to look like, everything. Obviously owning your own business, especially a bar in a small town that already has a couple bars would not be easy. I get that. But, if you truly want something, you can make it happen. But again, my mind tells me otherwise.
Time and time again I have came up with these ideas of things that I have wanted to do. Even just simple things like learning how to paint. I start, realize that I am not good at it, and then quit. And I one hundred percent understand that you can only get better if you stick with it. But again, my mind won’t let me.
The older that I have gotten, the better I have been about sticking with things. But I do think a lot of that comes with age and maturity. I mean look at me now. I have always loved writing. My entire life I have loved to write. And I am not trying to be biased, but I do feel that I am good at it. I even used to correct my mom’s college papers when she went back to school. And after getting laid off, I finally said you know what? I want to write. But again, it took me several weeks of going back and forth. I want to do it-No, I can’t do it-I want to do it-I can’t do it-Screw it, I am going to do it. With a little help from my close friends, I decided to start this blog. And yes, I was TERRIFIED. I still am to be quite honest. I think that the only reason why it has been just a little easier to do than other things is that writing comes to me so easily. If I had even just a slight struggle to do this, I would have quit doing it a long time ago. And it frustrates me even thinking about that. I sit here and ask myself why I am the way that I am? WHY?
Like I said before, I am my own worst enemy. I get inside of my own head and pretty much tell myself that I am not good enough. That I will fail at everything that I do. And you know what? Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t be good at things even after trying. But that is okay! Not everyone is good at everything. But you don’t know until you try.
I am working on myself. I am trying so hard to push myself even further than I ever thought I would. I have fallen in love with macrame and I jumped into it. I started learning how to do it-quick! I jumped in pretty hot and heavy, and I can see improvement even just day by day. And I will only continue to get better if I keep at it. And of course, if I kept my new self taught hobby to myself, I wouldn’t get anywhere. I told myself that I needed to start sharing it. Sharing my progress. And maybe, just maybe people would be interested. And look at what happened? I have had people buying pieces from me and I have already had so much support. But I didn’t feel like that was enough. So I pushed myself out….I mean WAY out of my comfort zone and reached out to a local shop. I met with her over the weekend and showed her some of my pieces. And I was extremely nervous. I felt vulnerable-and I hate that. Like, what if she hates my stuff? What if I am asking way too much and I am not going to make the money that I was hoping to? But with support from my husband, I said screw it and went for it. And the shop owner LOVED my stuff. And she wants to continue to keep working with me. Turns out, we have a lot in common, and I can honestly say that it went a hundred times better than I could have imagined. But I would have never known that if I didn’t force myself to go see her.
I have been making a lot of decisions lately not just for me, but for my family too. As I get older, I realize that life can become very complicated at times. And you can’t just sit there and dwell over it all day, every day. You have to act on things. Figure out how you can make the best out of each situation. And you know, some decisions that I am going to be making soon are scary. And honestly, I can already feel my anxiety starting to skyrocket. But I know that the decisions that I am going to make are for the best. And of course, I don’t know what the future will hold, and again, that is SO scary, but you don’t know until you go for it.
GO FOR IT.
My favorite quote right now is “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you do not take.” (If there are any “The Office” fans here, I know you are laughing.) Learn to live by this motto. Live it. Breathe it. Do not let yourself be your own worst enemy. Take a deep breath, push that anxiety aside, and go for it.