Four Years

Four years.

It was four years ago today that we said I do. We stood in front of all of our friends and family nervously as we committed ourselves to each other. What an emotional day. We were so excited, but it was also hard on you. You had just lost your mom the year before, and it was hard to enjoy everything with out her here. She always believed in you, and I know that you wanted her here to watch you get married. While I never got to call her my mother in law, I did look up to her, and I know how much she meant to you. I too had a hard time taking this big step in life with out her and my sister here to see it.

Our wedding was almost like a dream to me. It almost wasn’t real. It was almost like I didn’t truly believe that we were really getting married. I had a rough past, and now I was finally having my dream wedding. The thought of me getting married again was insane at the time. Not because I didn’t want to get married, but because I never thought I would find what I had always been looking for. I never imagined that after all of the horrible things that I had been through in my previous marriage, I would find someone who actually treated me like, well, a wife. It was one of those situations where you knew it was really happening, and you were so excited, but at the same time, it was like “Is this really happening, like, do I really deserve this?”

Though it was a tough and emotional time, we did have a lot to look forward to. Even though we had been together for several years prior, and already owned our first house together, we had so many changes coming our way. A couple of months before we said I do, we had learned that we would be welcoming our first child in the spring of the following year. We had also just learned a week before our wedding that our first child was a sweet baby boy. We had so many exciting things happening at once. As the wedding festivities came to an end, we started to prepare ourselves to become parents.

Baby showers, the birth of our son, the excited family. It was amazing. We were officially a family. We were in a place where everything felt right. We couldn’t ask for more. That was probably the happiest I had ever been.

Fast forward to today.

So much has happened in four years. We not only welcomed one, but two sweet boys into this world. It has been such an amazing experience becoming a parent with you. Raising these boys together has definitely made my heart so full. Coming from someone who never imagined having children, I don’t know what I would do with out them. They definitely keep us on our toes, and there is never a dull moment in this house. But I know that these past four years have not been perfect.

As I have struggled to love myself since my previous marriage, I know that it has not been easy to love me. I know that I am broken. And as the past few years of our marriage have come and gone, I have only struggled harder. And please don’t feel like it is because of you. While I don’t know exactly why, I could only imagine it is because of the way that I feel about my postpartum self. And losing my dad of course. Losing my dad last year has really been detrimental to my mental health. I have struggled harder with myself during this past year more than I ever have in the past.

I know it has not been easy. And I know that some days it seems like I have emotionally checked out. While I struggle with myself, I also struggle knowing that you must feel like you are not good enough. Like I don’t love you like I used to. I get it. I can see exactly why you would feel that way. It hurts me knowing that I can’t explain how I feel to you. I have a hard time explaining a lot of what goes on in this head of mine.

I really want to say thank you. Thank you for always sticking by my side. Thank you for the tough love, and thank you for trying to show me that things really aren’t as bad as they seem in my head. While deep down I know everything is okay, it is hard to convince myself that it really is okay. I couldn’t imagine what it is like from your point of view. I know that it is hard. I really do.

I know that people view you as someone who doesn’t really show your intimate feelings very often, but it truly takes someone with a heart of gold to stand by my side. Especially on those bad days when I can’t seem to pull myself out of a funk. Please don’t ever feel like your actions go unseen. I appreciate everything that you do, every day. Even if it is hard for me to show it.

I guess what I really want to point out, is that marriage isn’t easy. Honestly, life isn’t easy. There are always going to be ups and downs and as long as you have someone there with you to help you make it through those hard times, everything will be alright. I have found someone who really cares for me and really loves me for who I am. As the years go on, I hope that I will learn to love myself as much as you love me. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up feeling good, and all of my internal struggles will be over. I fight demons every day, and I am not quite sure who I am anymore. I feel selfish for wanting you to stick around until all of this is over. But you do anyways. You continue to put the boys and I first, time and time again. And for that, I am so thankful.

Four years.

I hope that we can turn that into so many more. I know that I don’t always show it, but I love you so much, and I am so happy to be doing life with you. We have made it through some very tough times, and that has only made our relationship stronger. Happy four year anniversary to my love, from the one who struggles to love herself.

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